TRIXY & AL


RONNY & AL


Training Video Excerpt
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SHUTTLE INTERIOR DIAGRAM
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SAFETY FEATURES


BOB & RYAN


SALARY
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USEFUL OBJECTS
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Space Academy
UNIVERSAL STUDIES

MASA (MILO ASTRONUT'S SPACE ACADEMY)
WRITTEN BY COMMANDER AL DALTON
ADDED TO BY GREGOIRE DEITZ

Did you ever have the desire to travel so fast that you had 10,000 lbs. Of pressure per square inch of the skin on your face, and your forward momentum would be so great that it would make it absolutely impossible to puke, even if you wanted to?!

Well here's an opportunity for you. It's the U of Milo Space Program and training school for Space Cadets. Like many other areas U of Milo has pioneered, we are now one step ahead of the other Universities in starting our own Space Program. We intend to be the first post secondary educational institution in space. Although we do not have a spacious campus, we will make due with what we have available and we are quite confident that someday we will be training Space Cadets for Lunier missions around the Galaxy.

How did all this start? Like so many of the other fine programs U of Milo offers, it all started with an idea. The man with the idea this time was our very own Commander Al Dalton, Dean of Extra-terrestrial Affairs and Atmospheric Peer Pressure. In 1985 Al submitted a private progress report to the U of M, and things just sky-rocketed from there. Here is the progress report from Commander Dalton's research, that has made it possible for you, the U of Milo students to study where no one has studied before.

UNIVERSITY OF MILO SPACE RESEARCH DEPARTMENT
DEPARMENT HEAD: ALLEN DALTON
PROGRESS REPORT #12

To Professor Deitz:
Hey Greg thanks for the 51 billion dollars you got for the space research department. We bought a lot of great stuff, a coffee maker, a microwave for lunches, a place mat with indoor outdoor on it etc. Enough about the office, we also bought a space shuttle or something like that. I haven't had time to look at it because I'm pretty busy around the office, I'm training my new secretary Trixy. What a great gal, she doesn't type or take dictation, but boy can she make coffee and she is worth every bit of the 65,000 dollars a year we pay her.

Here's a shot of Trixy and myself working overtime on some last minute details around the control office.

You know Greg, we were sitting around the office one day, drinking coffee, and someone said "boy it would be great to have our own space shuttle." Well after a lot more beer…err…coffee, we all agreed and decided to buy one. We looked in the phone book, and right there on page 56 was an advertisement for one. It was a used one, but the mileage was pretty good and the paint was new, it was only missing a half-dozen or so ceramic tiles. (We knew that we could easily go to Uncle Simbo's Floor and tile shop and replace them like new.)

So we called up the number in the ad and Ronald Reagan answered the phone, he was real friendly. So I says, "Ronny, how come you're selling a space shuttle, is it wrecked or what?" But Ronny assured me that it was as good as new and he was only getting rid of it because the upholstery was shot. He even said if we were serious about buying the shuttle that he would supply us with our very own personal experimental test pilot name Bonzo! I knew he was giving us a heck of a deal there, because I think this Bonzo guy and Ronny are pretty close, I think he was one of Ron's personal advisory aids or something like that. I won't say how much the shuttle cost us, just think of it as 999,999,999,999,999 beers squared.

This is a picture of Ronny and myself closing the deal. (He even bought the drinks.) You've gotta be happy about that!!!

Sure we paid a lot for the shuttle, but I got Ronny to throw in spacesuits and everything. I've ordered new spacesuits done in plaid and tuxedo style shirts for the whole crew. The training has been hard work. It's not easy drinking beer in zero gravity, but we all have been trying harder and harder. See video clip for demo of weightless beer drinking.

SPACE SIMULATOR (I thought it was stimulator at first, but it didn't do a thing for me!)

We really had to customize the shuttle, it was full of useless experiment stuff and navigational equipment. There was even some kinda of an arm thing, but we didn't really need a helping hand and it was too big and awkward to use opening beers. We dumped all the navigational stuff and just stuck a couple of maps in the glove compartment, as well we put in a good stereo. The next thing we realized was that space travel would be boring, so we added a few spots for drinking and recreation. One added feature is the Provost Area (Projectile Vomit Syndrome). That was the idea of the Associate to the Assistant Director of Direction Assistance for U of Milo, Norm Ellis. We thought it was a "BURP" of an idea.

Here's the diagram of the shuttle as it is now that we've made a few interior alterations.
  1. TAVERN
  2. BARCOCKTAIL
  3. LOUNGE
  4. PUB
  5. WASHROOM AND PROVOST AREA
Here's a shot of myself and my co-pilot Mahatma, checking out the safety features in the cockpit.

The human rights commission made me hire some Agriculture students. They don't' read or write, but they sure know how to keep the experimental sheep happy for some reason.

We decided that we should set a goal for our program. So this is our goal, the NUTGUY PLANET, our research indicates a planet of Nutguys about 12 hours past Pluto. We figure it will take a couple of months to get there, so we packed extra toilet paper and a lot of extra beer. We plan to take off as soon as we can get the cigarette lighter fixed, but getting parts has been a real pain.

That's about it Greg, we will blast off pretty soon in search of the Nutguy planet, I'm sure we will find Nutguys but I doubt if we will encounter any intelligence. SPACE RESEARCH MOTTO: To seek out interesting life forms and give 'em one of those. You Nutguy Astronaut.

"Way to go Nutguy, you had to lock the keys in the shuttle."

We are going to build a space station, nice huh? We will do experiments like how to brew beer in weightless atmosphere. We might call it antigravity ale or moon juice or something dumb like that.

Security is real strict around the U of Milo Space Research Center. Everybody is trying to find out what we've been up to, the Russians, Americans, Chinese, Japanese, French, East Germans, West Germans, North Germans, South Germans, Finlanders, Swedes, Mexicans, Botswalians, Checzs, Bohanans, Liechenstinians, Austrians, Poles, Icelanders, Argentinians, British, Greeks, Arabs, Iranians, Spaniards, and Italians. The only country that hasn't bothered us for secret information is the small country of Id, those idiots don't seem to care what we do with our space program.

To cope with all the spies that show up in black suits and rented Ford Fairmounts we hired a special full time security guard.

To keep away a lot of unwanted intruders we have disguised the facilities to look like an ordinary farmyard. Most of the people fall for it, but they do wonder why we had 312 satellite dishes and now cows. We just tell them it's a department of agriculture program and they understand.

Security Report
This is a picture of Bob McMillian our new security guard, and his attack Rhino, Ryan.

Hey Greg, I hate to complain about money but I just don't think I'm getting paid what I'm really worth. My expenses are really up, now that I change my underwear bi-weekly and my socks tri-monthly my cost of living has skyrocketed. For crying out loud I had to disconnect my cable, then again since I don't have a T.V. that wasn't too bad.

This is what other important guys who were suits and ties make. (It's not very fair at all.)

Just in case you are interested, by the way, here's a shot of the shuttle over at my pad, just waiting for a few last details before we blast-off.

Space research isn't the only thing that we are into, we plan to design a lot of useful objects. (Why not, we've got two billion dollars left to blow!)

So you are asking yourself, "Don't you have to be really smart or be able to read a lot of instructions to be a Shuttle Pilot?" Heck no, not anymore, U of Milo has gone to great liberties to throw out all that technical garbo, and we've remodeled our shuttle with pictures, dot-to-dot drawings, and comic book pages that explain just about everything you would need to know about being a shuttle pilot. (And hopefully you've seen Star Wars enough times to know the rest). We believe there's no experience like hands-on training. So if you're not really sure if you want to be a Space Cadet or not, why not just drop into our space center and take the shuttle for a bit of a test spin?

Some of the applying Space Cadets we have received applications from, have been slightly confused about what type of a space program we are operating, No, it is not a prerequisite to have vast space between your eras to join the U of Milo fleet of Astro-nuts. In fact our space program will require you to be almost a top human specimen if you wish to graduate to become one of the permanent team. (However, If you are just looking for part time work, almost anyone can qualify for positions in our experimental research labs.) After all, we don't want the aliens to be confronted by just any old good now do we? So for this reason and the purpose of developing a training program that can help us quickly develop almost any applying cadet into a fully-fledged top notch Astro-nut.

Here's a soon to be famous quotation from our fearless leader Commander Al: "One small step for U of Milo is one heck of a big improvement from crawling" , "There's really nothing to worry about I think."

The University of Milo Space Cadets Training Program is really a highly recognized and prestigious program. It only handles a small number of cadets at one time though, so if you are interested we suggest that you apply early, (like before 7:30 a.m.) so that you are sure to get in. Our program has been developed in the format of maximum enjoyment for out Cadets and if you learn something while you're at it, then hey, what a bonus! The day usually starts off with some coffee and a couple of top secret training films. Our film library consists of all the episodes of Star Trek, Buck Rogers, and Battlestar Galactica. And we do have a couple of the more important Jetsons films filed in our highly confidential category. (You don't get to see those until you've passed the first level of security clearance and used the community shower.)

The U of Milo Space program is a Co-ed course and we have always encouraged both female and male apes and humans to take the course together. It is amazing what you can learn from one another when you are put into life and death pressure situations. Things like why you shouldn't eat uncooked dehydrated food and then wash it down with beer. Once you have enrolled in the course you will eventually get to put on a space suit and play with the 3 million dollar walkie talkie system that's built in. It's not that great though, you can't even patch into the local telecom to order a pizza.

Now we'd like to share with you a few of the projects that the U of Milo Space Center has been working on lately.

At the moment we are very busy trying to build an experimental training station where our Astro-nuts can experience weightlessness. So far the closest we have come is a combination of uncooked pork eaten and then washed down with bad wine. However, the side effects seem to outweigh the practicality of this method.

We are planning to set up a scrap yard on the moon, to deal with burnt out satellites and other space junk. We would rebuild and repair the old parts for practical uses. This could be a business opportunity as well as a learning experience. We would definitely be providing a much needed service for the economy minded space travelers of the future.

The U of Milo Department of Better Fashion Merchandising has already also expressed interest in developing some high fashion spacesuits. These are sure to be a worldwide hit and before you know it everyone will be wearing our trendy spacewear to all their important solar functions.

For those students, and lower budget space travelers, we are also considering developing a guide to hitchhiking in alien territory. This could come in very handy, especially in cases where you may not be familiar with the intergalactic customs of a foreign territory.

We are also planning to stress the importance of safety while encountering space travel. We have already molded our idea for our foremost safety campaign, which will focus on cerebral protection. Here's rough outline of our advertisings.

EVEN MACHO ASTRONAUTS WERE HELMETS!!

Because if you don't, the invisible virus will get in your ears, nose, mouth and your other external cavities and it will swell your head up and make it turn green. You will gasp, your eyes will bulge out, then you will internally vomit and drown in it. This is not fun.

**A proven fact from the U of Milo Space Medical Laboratories.

Another project that the U of Milo Space research team will be working on will be the discovery and recording of important facts about space. One such crucial morsel of knowledge that we have already uncovered is: That you cannot keep cattle in corrals on the moon. Not even if you have a very, very high fence. The reason for this is "Hey diddle diddle the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon!"

If you are really serious about becoming a U of Milo Astro-nut here are a few important things you should get to know. These are some of the highlights from Commander Al's Astro-nut's handbook.

The following rules and regulations are to be strictly adhered to under all circumstances. Unless of course you have a better idea, then we'll have lunch and talk.

SECTION 1 -Subsection A
Education
To qualify as a U of Milo Astro-nut the following educational criteria must be met.
  1. High School Matriculation (honors in Home-Economics or Latin).
  2. Masters Degree in Applied Spaceology from an accredited University.
  3. At least 3 years of experience flying jets.
  4. Fluent in 4 languages (including English).
If you haven't met the requirements as specified above, just get a note from a respectable Nutguy and if he and 3 members of your immediate family will vouch for you, hey hey, you're in.

Subsection B
No Damn Voc-Ags, that's not school that's just a winter corral for plow jockeys who can't get woman at home!!

SECTION 2 - Subsection A
Physical Fitness
The U of Milo Space Program is a highly technical leader in space research and an undisputed leader of leaders. Men and women who choose a career with us must be highly motivated perfect specimens and they must meet a stringent and rigorous exercise program.

The following is the standard space workout for Astro-nuts in training.
6:00 a.m.- Jog 7 miles with 5 ounce weights on each ankle
6:05 a.m.- Puke (But keep jogging, you're almost out of the yard).
6:15 a.m.- Drive heaves (hitch a ride home).
6:30 a.m.- Breakfast
  1. 3 ounces of Bran
  2. Bean sprouts
  3. Granola
  4. Whole wheat toast (Dry)
6:40 a.m.- Get sick again and head to McDonalds for an Egg McMuffin.
7:30 a.m.- Yoga training with Guru Swami Smith.
11:00 a.m.- Exercise along with the Ed Allen Show.
11:30 a.m.- Light workout with weights.
11:31 a.m.- Traction
-Take the rest of the day off before you really hurt yourself.

Subsection B
What this physical fitness boils down to is, "Can you dress yourself?" We can overlook a lot of physical shortcomings but the following are where we draw the line:
  1. Flatulence (You just can't roll down the window in a space shuttle).
  2. Leprosy (In no gravity whatever becomes unattached floats around).
  3. Missing Ears (Astro-nuts wear caps a lot and with no ears the cap would fall down and impair one's vision).
  4. A Psychological case history of…
    -Paying parking tickets
    -Dating farm animals
    -Dating Voc-Ags
    -Singing Wilf Carter tunes in the shower
  5. Hemorrhoids ( It's a long ride to Mars).
SECTION 3 - Subsection A
Dealing with Aliens
If you land on a planet and encounter intelligent life forms, you should do as follows.
  1. Say hello, how are you, or nice weather we've been having and be nice.
  2. Ask to be taken to their leader, and if they don't have one, as to see their 2nd in charge.
  3. If the Alien starts to act aggressive say "GIMME ONE OF THOSE YOU NUTGUY" and if the little green guy holds out his hand, hey hey, it's a nutguy planet and a bar can't be far away.
  4. Whatever planet you visit pick up your garbage and beer bottles because we don't want everyone in the Galaxy to be saying those earth people are a bunch of slobs, let's destroy their planet for laughs.
  5. Never plant flags on other planets, Alien cultures may have other uses for the property and get visually upset.
SECTION 4 - Subsection A
Crew Positions
  1. Captain- Head Hauncho, Big Cheese, Top Dog, Numero Uno, Cat's P.J.'s. Space Messiah, or any other terms of respect.
  2. 1st Mate- 2nd Banana
  3. Chief Engineer (Keeps the Shuttle running).
  4. 2nd Engineer (Plays cards with the chief engineer).
  5. Science Officer (Tortures mice and baboons and stuff like that).
  6. Medical Officer (Take a hell of a lot of pills all the time).
  7. Nutrition Advisor (Cook)
  8. Designated Nutguy (??)
Subsection B
Duties
  1. The captain gets up late, drinks lots and laughs at his own jokes.
  2. The 1st Mate laughs at the captain's jokes and drinks a lot too.
  3. The Chief Engineer tries to program the computer to play Pac Man and get the computer to swear.
  4. 2nd Engineer opens beers with the Canada-arm
  5. Science Officer- In charge of all the scientific stuff (Including the Junior Chemistry set).
  6. Medical Officer- Medical guy, he hands out the aspirins, and it's OK for him to see the rest of the crew naked.
  7. Cook -Cooks (what did you think the cook would do?)
  8. Designated Nutguy -Makes absolutely sure that no one takes anything too seriously, including killing of baby seals.
The Astro-Nut Flight Song
To the tune of "Oh I'm a lumberjack" Oh! I'm an Astro-Nut and I'm okay,
I drink all night and I orbit all day,
I laugh a lot, eat my lunch and go to the lavatory,
What the Hell let's go Warp speed…
…and see what we can see,

Everybody
Oh! We're Astro-Nuts and we're okay,
We drink all night and orbit all day,
Sure we're lost, out of beer and darn low on grits,
We'd better go home cause the toilet's plugged…
…Boy this is the pits

Oh! We're Astro-Nuts and we're okay,
We drink all night and orbit all day,
Outer space is a damn fine place, we sure like a lot
Even in a tub like this, we can get a parking spot,

Slowly with feeling
Oh! We're Astro-Nuts and we're okay,
We drink all night and orbit all day.

As part of the University of Milo space training program, you must participate in our breath holding exercises. These exercises are similar to the ones used by deep sea divers, they are also very important, in case while traveling in space you find that you have a poorly manufactured space suit or experience a loss of oxygen in your space craft. In these circumstances it will be of the utmost importance that you can hold your breath s long as it takes to make the necessary repairs.

It is very difficult to force yourself to hold your breath without cheating. Many people will puff their cheeks out and pretend to hold their breath when in actuality they're breathing through their nose. This cheating may get you through the exercise, but it won't do you much good when you're sitting on the running board of the shuttle and you're locked the keys inside. (Not only that, but the radio antenna is not a coat hanger either!) Therefore we have found that it is very important to do these breath holding exercises and don't cheat. The best way to keep yourself honest while doing these exercises is to stick your head in water. Just use a sink, bathtub, swimming pool, fish bowl or toilet, what ever seems to be handy. If you choose to use the fist bowl make sure it doesn't have sharks or piranhas in it, or you may experience a familiar hockey expression, "Face off." When you first start the breath holding, for the first few times do it for only a matter of a few seconds, then gradually hold it for longer periods of time until you can manage for several minutes without a breath and yet be still alive.

When you first decide to be an Astro-Nut you may not own a space suit, and you may not be able to afford one. You can purchase a good pair of Moonboots at Zellers for about $12. As far as the rest goes, all you really need to take with you is a garbage bag full of air, if it's going to be a long trip, you may want to take a couple of bags. All you have to do is practice breathing the oxygen out of the garbage bag without letting too much of it escape.

Once you are ready to embark on your first solar trip, you should draw up a plan of what you are going to do on this trip. You should set up a few experiments, possibly things that have never been done before in outer space. This is a good idea so that you can make your trip sound as if it was done to better human civilization, then you can use your expenses as a tax write-off of at least claim your fuel and mileage on your travel expense account. (Even whips and chains can be a tax deduction if you take a few monkeys and mice along with you.) Therefore it is a good idea to plot out the experiments that you plan to perform in space. Some of the experiments that the University of Milo has planned for our first space expedition are:
  1. Whether or not watermelon seeds can be spit as far in space as they can on earth.
  2. We plan to take a couple of monkeys and some bananas along, so that we can put the banana peels on the floor for people to step on. Then we will be observing to see if the people hit the floor as fast and with as much impact in outer space, as they do on earth.
  3. We have installed a C.B. radio in our shuttle so that we can talk to the truckers when we get bored.
  4. We also plan to take a big ball of string with us, then we will use it to connect a line between a couple of empty beer cans and set up some sort of a simple communication system.
At the end of this lesson, after you have read out training manual and complete the space theory, you will be required to write the U of Milo Astro-Nuts exam, if you pass you will then receive your official Astro-nuts I.D. card & Gold Plated Pilots wings.

We have developed the following Astro-Nut application form for you to fill out if you are interested in joining our loonier exploration team.

Please choose how you wish to apply below:

Space Academy Online Application
Space Academy Printable Application (for snail mailing or faxing to us.)

Email: masa@uofmilo.com

 
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