LOCAL NEWS - This is where we tell you interesting stuff that is happening in the Community of Milo ( Ya, it's a real place ! ) We probably won't post it on this site unless it has a humorous aspect to it, or we can twist it around and make it funny.
COMING EVENTS - That's pretty much self explanatory now isn't it ? In the Bullsheet we will keep a brief list of coming U of Milo events. The details can be found under our SOCIAL EVENTS category of our Home Page.
WEATHER - That's right weather, you know clouds, rain, and snow grasshopper infestations and anything else that could help you decide how to plan your day in Milo. For example if we are forecasting too many ducks in the air to safely launch the shuttle today, and you were finally going to be the crews beer fetcher guy for the mission, you need to know this so that you can fetch extra beer to keep the flight crew in training & the ground crew from drinking all the Ethanol that we actually need to get the shuttle into orbit.
SPORTS - Here's where you can check in to see how the U of M teams are doing in their athletic Endeavors. Find out if Fast Eddy scored yet or if he is still in his prolonged slump. Has Big Milt been injured again right when he was about to take over the league shots lead. ( Shooters that is ). Is Billy Bash really carrying the team on his back this season, or is there some new rookie stepping up to assist the old man. Will THE FATBOYS Sledding team leave their hotel room today, or is it just another snow day ?. Which U of Milo fantasy teams are playing tonight what do our Sports writers predict the outcome will be. As our teams and leagues grow you can even expect some Audio Play by Play and Video highlights.
STOCK REPORTS - Did farmer Booth's cow really rub the rudder off the shuttle the other night when she climbed over the fence and ended up on the MASA launch site. U of Milo be hosting a search party to help find her as she hasn't been seen since ( Free beef on a bun for all those who come out and help with the search party ).
CARTOONS - Here you will find some Daffynitions right out of the U of Milo Dictionary.
For those of you dedicated students who are always trying to improve their vocabulary skills, here are a few exerts from the U of Milo dictionary.
Oiler - What the boss says to his worker when his machine squeaks. Generalize - What the highest ranking guy in the army sees with. Hematite - A phrase used in describing the condition of someone who has consumed too much alcohol. micron - What Mike does when he is being chased by something scary. Pericranium - A set of skulls. Retriever - The part of the phone that brings the message back to you. Salute - What sa Mexican thief takes home after a day at work. Stupor - What you tell the cook if you don't like the stew. Deport - de place you park de ship. Announce - 1/16 of a lb. Claimant - A term used in describing the act of declaring ownership of a certain small insect. enclosure - opposite of out farther. "Ralph had to move enclosure because he couldn't hear the TV set."
WHERE'S ELVIS - This is a new column in the U of Milo Bullsheet. We added this because so many of our students were contacting us and telling us that they spotted Elvis working in a Deli in New Deli or pumping gas in Madagascar. As we know he is alive, and there are so many people out there interested in his where-abouts we thought we could provide a valuable public service by keeping you informed of his activities & locations.
March 17th, 2004 Elvis was sited on the Las Vegas Strip today ! He was looking very green, but then again he's been dead for more than 25 years and he was drinking green beer in a well known Irish Pub. The bartender said he had no doubt in his mind that it was the real Elvis when he asked for a "Green Peanut Butter and Green Banana sandwich to celebrate St. Patricks day. "When we were unable to accommodate his request he became rather indignant & said "Well THANK-YA, THANK-YA very much, for nothin', now I'm ALL SHOOK UP !, uh huh, Ya,Ya, now I'm ALL SHOOK UP!" Although he was trying to blend in to the crowd, his green sequined jump suit gave it away a bit. Thanks O.M.D. in Vegas for sending us the update.
ADVICE COLUMN - Letters to Ludwig, is one of our most read and very popular columns. Ludwig Crudwal, is a self-proclaimed expert in everything, and has the answers to everyone's problems. Just e-mail him your problems, you'll see.
Dear Lud,
I'm having romantic problems with my boyfriend. We have been going together for 4 days now, and in the past ever thing was fine. Now all of the sudden he has changed almost so much that it is hard for me to recognize him as the same person. He always was very romantic but now he is gross. For example, we used to take moonlit walks through the garden in the early hours of the morning, but now he comes to stroll and insists on putting table candles in his nostrils and lighting them then he leads me down the garden path and demands that I whistle to him. When I oblige him, he just get angry with me and says I just don't know how to feel the mood. What should I do ? We've gone through so much together and now it feels like it'll be all for none. Please help me !!
Yours respectfully,
Amenable
Dear Amenable,
Personally I can't understand why you're carrying a torch for this old flame of yours but nevertheless the solution to your flickering romance is as obvious as the nose on your boyfriends face. All he is doing is trying to add a little fire to a relationship that he feels is burning out. The trail blazing that he is doing is all on
your account. All he is asking in return is that join in his new endeavor and serenade him to the theme he is trying warm you up to. I will suggest to you a few possible tunes that might help if you could learn to whistle them; "You light up my life", "Hot Stuff", "I saw the light", "Hot summer nights", "Fire Lake", "Heat of the moment", "Cool night", "Body Language", "Always on my Mind", "Our lips are Sealed", "You decorated my Life", "Lead me On", "You take my breath Away", "Shadows in the Moonlight", "This light won't last Forever", "Don't stop till you get Enough", "Too Hot", "Drugs in my Pocket". If some of those tunes don't bring a little fire to his eyes then I would suggest he is probably burning the candle at both ends! Lud.
Dear Ludwig,
I was born ugly. I don't have any friends because nobody can bare to look at me. I have a great body but nobody has stuck around long enough to notice. I'm so lonely I can't stand it much longer. I had a goldfish once but he kept hiding under the rocks in his bowl. Then one day he flushed himself down the toilet. Can you help me?
Lost Cause
Dear Lost Cause,
Thank-you for sending your letter by post and not hand delivering it. I'm sorry to hear about your fish committing sewerside. I think I can help you with your problem and I hope that all those thousands of others out there in the same predicament as you will follow suit. The local grocery store has a large variety of paper bags. I'm sure they will have one your size, and they'd probably be happy to give them to you free. In your case you'd better ask for a double bag!
HORROR SCOPES - We all know that the horoscopes we read in the papers are all a bit too optimistic. Not everyone is always going to have a nice day. So we have decided to issue warnings that you need to beware of, something a bit more realistic.
IT REALLY HAPPENED - U of Milo has been around for more than 20 years. A lot has happened in that time. In this column we will look back at a few of the highlights, low lights and just plain silly stuff.
Did you know that our very first Ski-Team captain got his nickname in a card game? He was in the middle of a card game when he suddenly vomited all over the game & some of the other players too. To their disgust and actually with a very surprised look on his face, he simply said "I thought it was a burp!"
